


Sacrifice + Forgiveness + Kisses

by EWM



Category: MacGyver (TV 2016)
Genre: Codex - Freeform, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Fluff and Smut, Gen, Implied Smut, Mac and Desi love, Mac and desi, Mac begging for Desi's forgiveness, Mac feeling guilty, MacGyver 4x13, MacGyver 5x03, MacGyver Season 5, Me trying to fix a bit of the writing from the series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-31
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-11 05:13:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28439676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EWM/pseuds/EWM
Summary: Written for the MAC/DESI lovers out there, the below promptThe couple deal with the aftermath of CodexMacDesi prompt: Mac stills feels incredibly guilty for suffocating Desi when escaping Phoenix with Scarlett - that he has nightmares and has to hear Desi's voice before going back to sleep and Desi has to reassure him that she has forgiven him.I did my best to tie it into the new series too :)(thanks to Everything MacDesi on tumblr)
Relationships: Angus MacGyver/Desiree "Desi" Nguyen
Comments: 6
Kudos: 16





	Sacrifice + Forgiveness + Kisses

_“I think we both know it’s too late for that.”_

_“Don’t do this”_

Mac looked at Desi and despite every bone in his body screaming at him to stop, he pulled the flare out of his jacket and held it up to the Phoenix’s fire system. The world seemed to slow down, he saw Desi start to gasp and claw at her throat. The oxygen in the air dropped and Mac’s world seemed to slow down. Smoke filled the corridor, the glow of the flare and the fumes swirling around Mac’s face made him look like a monster from a story. He walked up towards Desi as she fell against the wall and to the floor. He could see her struggling, the woman he loved, the woman he wanted to spend the rest of his days with and he did nothing. She was on the floor before him breathing what might be her last breath and all Mac did was say

_“I’m sorry.”_

Then he walked away. Mac played that scene over and over in his head in the days following the defeat of Codex. Sometimes it took on a different shape, sometimes it all happened terribly quickly. Sometimes the memory came out so slowly that Mac struggled to understand the words that were being said. But the worst version; the version that made him rip the bedsheets off him at night was when she died. Mac got to watch her die over and over again. That horribly dark part of him, the same part of him that thought Codex was right, the part that he buried deep inside would stop next to Desi as she rasped and groaned. He would watch and wait until her head fell to the floor, then he would put his fingers to her neck and wait it for it; the nothing, the lack of pulse and then he would leave. It was a tangled mess, Mac watched this poisonous version of himself play out the scene again and again. He’d look at himself from the corner of the corridor and yell telling him to stop, screaming at himself that the price was too high.

But of course, the moment never got better, only worse. After a while Mac gave up on shouting at himself, he knew it was irrational, that it was just a memory. But that didn’t stop the guilt. It was a poisonous feeling; guilt. It lived at the bottom of his stomach gnawing at him, eating away at him. He didn’t sleep a lot after they defeated Codex, that wasn’t exactly new, but surviving on no sleep got harder. In the aftermath Desi told him that she forgave him, that they would be fine, that they could talk about everything later. Later didn’t come though, in the way that it so often did in their lives, saving the world once again became the priority, not them. So nothing got acknowledged, nothing got discussed. No fights were had, Mac’s guilt festered much in the way that Desi’s rage did it. It took a crazed colonel from the Vietnam War to make them talk to each other.

_“In my pursuit of Codex, I lost my way. I did anything to defeat them .. even sacrifice the woman I love”_

And there it was, he’d finally come out and said it. That despite everything, despite saving the world, he’d lost some part of himself and Desi in the process. Of course, it wasn’t perfect even then, they still had to stop the crazed army colonel which they did. Then they had to find each other again. Slowly they started dating again; he took her out for sushi, she taught him out to make pho and the connections between them started to grow again. And they talked, they fought, they would have screaming matches into the night about trust, about Mac’s obsessions and Desi’s inability to talk. But one secret remained in Mac, his guilt over suffocating her. It was odd to fixate on that one point, but it was that memory that played in his head in its many iterations.

The first time Desi stayed over (again) she got woken up by Mac smacking her in the stomach (unintentionally) as he tossed and turned in bed. She caught him murmuring her name on repeat and shook him awake. He grabbed her hand crushing her fingers and then he was awake, his eyes darting. He seemed to calm when he saw her.

 _“You want to tell me what that was about?”_

_“I..”_

_“Mac come on talk”_

_“I keep seeing it.”_

_“Seeing what, use longer sentences Mac.”_

_“I keep seeing you…you suffocate in the corridor.”_

_“Oh Mac”_

_“I can’t stop seeing it, I can’t stop seeing you collapse or die….or…I hate myself for it. It was...I just hate myself for it.”_

Desi extricated her squished fingers from Mac’s grip and shifted her position a bit. Mac was staring up at the ceiling, he couldn’t say it directly to her face.

_“Mac…look at me. Come on look at me. Try to hear me when I say this. Please try and hear it truly. I forgive you, I forgive you everything. I forgive all the mess of Codex, all the lying and confusion, all the nearly choking, all of it, the not telling me. I forgive you.”_

_“Desi..”_

_“I mean it Mac. I forgive you and do you forgive me?”_

_“What, what for?”_

_“For…for not trusting you, for not backing you when it counted. For not understanding enough of it to know how lost you were, for not pulling you out.”_

_“Of course, I mean. It’s not even an issue. I”_

Mac pulled her in for a kiss and his heart lightened. The ache that he had been nursing months seem to ease a little bit, the kisses began to extend over other parts of her and Desi began to purr.

 _“Honesty from now on right”_ she said between breaths

_“Absolutely”_

_“So…just so you know, you managed to smack me in the stomach just now.”_

_“Desi…I’m sorry…”_

Mac’s kisses started to go further down, he reached her stomach and her hips and kissed them both; light kisses, nibbling at her skin. Desi giggled as his lips touching her tickled slightly. So the night continued on. Neither of them slept for much more pleasurable reasons. The nightmares were not so regular after that, they did come sometimes after a mission was difficult or one of them got hurt. But now whenever Mac felt himself falling, all he needed to do was summon Desi’s voice to guide him back home.


End file.
